Day 286 – October 13, 2018
Just a forewarning: the following post is not the typical Proscenium post. It’s quite a deep exploratory introspect. Some parental guidance may be necessary. Although kids who need parental guidance probably would have stopped reading by now and went trolling on other blog sites. 😛 So here I am, 39,000 feet over Cincinnati, and as fast as the day came when we left PA, sites set on Texas, I am returning home to an empty nest. Have to be honest, it was not easy at all leaving her. Not that I thought it wouldn’t be. It’s one of those things where I haven’t felt connected to her in a couple of years. So you take a road trip across the country and share some awesome experiences, and what was a strained relationship found some glue to bind it back together. We have always had the same sense of humor and would often laugh way before anyone else would get it. If they even ever got it. In fact, that is what most of the trip consisted of. And there were a couple of other “bonds” that we shared that had always been there, just in the recent past, was very much diminished. I think as I drove away, leaving her behind, it started to sink in pretty hardcore. In that moment she transitioned from daddy’s little girl to a young, fleek, independent woman. It actually was hitting me pretty hard yesterday, as I started to process it. It went downhill from there as I struggled to maintain my composure. I think that may be one of the reasons why, what was my initial 1:30 pm departure turned into a 4:30 pm one, did not effect me as it would have done. I honestly used that time to collect my thoughts, journal, and just appreciate the “alone” time. I am in no way looking for sympathy here, but it’s been a rough week. Accepting the reality that the empty house I will be returning to, combined with the milestone birthday “celebrated” this past week, is not easy and took quite the unexpected emotional toll. It’s the fate testing feelings, and the face smacking brunt of reality of how fast time, née life, flies. I mean it is not like it was a surprise, I knew it was coming, but the reality of it all and the second guessing of my parenting skills, created just enough hesitation and doubt. Perhaps I took them for granted. None of my siblings kids left far from home at all. Out of 9 nephews and nieces (all 21 and over) only 1 is more than 45 miles from home. 3 are still at home, and 3 are married with kid(s). I don’t know if those numbers make sense but my point is all 3 of mine are gone, by choice. 2 out of state, and one, who is in college, but is looking for an apartment in Philly to stay in as he finishes his junior and senior years. And after that, his eyes are set on the Pacific Northwest to pursue his Masters. While I am very proud of all of them, I can’t help but wonder what I have done to drive them so far away. And what’s-more (I have to stop using that phrase, I just realized I use it way too much) the willingness to leave the nest heading to places where the really don’t know anyone, none of their friends they grew up with are near them. So the struggle is real. This has to be the longest most personal post written to date. I apologize. I know many of you come for the levity, so this one must be disappointing 😬. Don’t hold it against me. There are so many observations I’ve made and have yet to be made, I feel pretty confident that I can share some very different perspectives and commentary for quite sometime. Hope all had a great Saturday! Stay Safe!